so much to blog about...

When I'm not at home I alwasy think of things that I want to blog about... then I get home and can't remember a thing...
It'll come to me...

Maybe I need to have a running list on my phone, then I'll write the idea down and blog about it later.

Oh good idea, I'm gonna do that now!

Here's hoping for a post later!

Mermaid or Whale?

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.


(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)




 How often do we tell ourselves that we are fat or ugly? Or if you don't say that about yourself, how about that woman in the store. Do you think to yourself, "At least I'm not that big!" ?
 Or even the other way, "Ew, look how skinny she is!"

 How about for at least October, since it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, don't say anything negative about yourself or any other woman. When those thoughts pop into your head, quickly purge them.
Let's use this month to fall in love with our bodies, and see the positives in others.
I don't care if you are 70 or 700 lbs. Everyday, find something new to love about your body.


Day1:
          I like the color of my eyes. I'm not sure what color they are really.. greenish, blueish, but not brown, I really have no idea... but I like them.

Wishing you happy and healthy body image!




...*...

Man, am I gonna miss her...

I don't have any pictures with her like most friends do.
We've never been out for coffee.
We've never sung a duet together.
I have never given her a birthday present.
I don't even know when her birthday is.
I don't know much about her life before we met.
We've never watched each others kids on a date night.
Never traded clothes or shoes.
Never spent the night at her house.

I have prayed with her.
She has prayed with me.
We have cried together.
We have taught together.
We've been out of state together.
I have taught her children.
Her children have taught me so much.
We have had our differences.
We have laughed together.
We've been to conferences together.
Watched the Super Bowl together.
Every Sunday, from stage, I look for her.
When I find her, I smile. Every Sunday.
We've eaten Sushi together.
Her husband is Blue's WA best friend and mentor.
They have the cutest ( ahem, sorry, the manliest) friendship.

A hole in our lives will be left when they move.
Blue says almost everyday that I'd better get ready for the
heat, because we are following them to Mississippi.
Vacations are already being discussed.
Mission trips being planned.
Last dinners and get-togethers.

She has taught me how to teach,
how to embrace my husband's calling,
how to be patient with God's will,
to be fervent in prayer,
and to lead with grace.

I am going to miss Melissa.

Well, well, well...

Yesterday I found out that the house we liked is gone. Sold. Oh well. There's got to be something better out there for us, right?
And then last night we sold our car that recently had a timing chain snap on it. It was cheaper to get another vehicle than it would have been to fix the one we had... but it was still really sad...

I have been cleaning out my house. Very slowly... I'd like it to go much faster, but at least it's getting done. Even if we don't get a house for several more years, I want to be able to move into a 690 sq ft house without having to do this again. An attainable goal? Probably not, But I'm going to make a great attempt!

Currently, I have a few Collectible dolls on sale on Craigslist.org.
Just sold the car.
Have taken a truckload to the churches garage sale.
Have taken several bags to Goodwill.
Still have enough clutter to fill a house... where does it come from?!? A lot of it is papers. I hate junk mail. Why can't I seem to throw it away right away? I always think that I'll look through it to find coupons or something, but I never do...
I wish we had a recycling bin right next to the mailboxes.
Speaking of mailboxes, I have a swap due soon. It is a picture of our mailbox.

I want to be more crafty. I love VBS (vacation bible school) time because it allows me to break free from the day and focus on the lesson for the day and then the craft!
When Baby is here, we craft a lot more than when I'm home without her... Sad. I want a sewing machine. Really badly. And I need to find some cool fabric. I'm tired of plain. GIVE ME COLOR!!!
I'm a bit jealous of my friend Layne. She is a missionary in Maputo, Mozambique. AFRICA!!!
Anyway, she has tons of cheap colorful fabric at her fingertips. You should see it!

Well, I need to get dressed so I can go volunteer at our church's Food Bank. It's something I like to do on Wednesdays and Fridays. Unload the trucks and restock! Yay!

Thanks for reading my random post!

Hope...

Is difficult.
God says He has plans for a future and a HOPE for us.
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
All throughout the Bible are stories of hope. 
-Where not to place hope.
-People crying out for hope.
-Nations depending on hope.
-All mankind hoping for a savior.


There is so much hope wrapped up in babies, having them, keeping them, raising them.

Almost 2 weeks ago I got sick. Every time I ate, I would get really nauseous. I was having a little discomfort in the lower abdomen. I never had a fever. Everyone assumed that I was pregnant. I just felt sick. (and secretly hoped that I was wrong.) But it was still before my period,  so I couldn't take a test. 


Today, 3 days past the projected period start date. Negative.
I get so upset with myself for hoping so deeply for something. It would have been perfect. Christmas is 4 months away and that would be plenty of time for the 3 month safety window to pass. I could do a Christmas gift from the baby at Christmas like I'd always wanted to do.
I'd get carried away in all of my hope and dreams...

And wake up to remember that we would only be 2 months away right now. And as much as I try not to think about it... The closer it gets, the harder it is.

God has given me a great hope, a wonderful expectation of what will become.
Why can't I just rest in that? Why can't I just push all these feelings aside, bury them deep inside myself, and only let the pleasant show?


Disclaimer: Very personal info below the line. Read at own discretion!
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Part of what hurts the most is that every time I have a miscarriage, my sex drive plummets. 
All I an think of is that sex is to make babies, and I can't make babies. I used to orgasm, now I don't most of the time.  I have to use a vibrator and even then, most of the time it doesn't work. On top of it all, every time we do have sex, it's just that. Sex. And I feel guilty right afterwards. Like I've done something wrong, disgraceful.


We used to have a great sex life. I used to orgasm without a vibrator. I used to enjoy sex, making love, making out. 
And it has nothing to do with Blue. I love him so much. To think of my life without him brings tears instantly, every time. 


My poor, gracious husband has gone 2 months before without sex of any kind. He is patient. I want to want sex. For him. For me. For future children.


But I don't like it. I don't like the pressure. I don't like the little touches he gives to let me know he's in the mood. I know you are in the mood, you always are. I hate that I get angry with him, because my fear is, that he wants all touch to lead to sex. I want to cuddle without it meaning anything. I miss the tension of dating. I had longing and desire then. 
I miss the passion of newly wedded bliss. The 8 hours love making sessions instead of sleeping. The stolen moments for quickies. The moments of tearing each others clothing off. Back scratching, screaming, sweating all over the place kind of love making.
Enjoying oral sex, even waking him up with it in the morning.  
He was a lucky man back then.


All gone away to calculated movements. Moments of intimacy lost.


At times, about once every few months, during some random act of grace from God, I actually get turned on! And I take it as my chance to repay Blue for all his patience. I pursue him. It leads to great sex, usually an orgasm and followed by a boatload of guilt. Then for the next few weeks Blue tries to reduce what happened to a formula, thinking it was something he did. Not believing me that it was just a fluke hormone burst. And I get angry because I can't give him what he wants.


I love him so much. Why won't my mind and body do what I want it to?!? He deserves to feel special and loved and needed in a way that he speaks love. How long can he last in a world where his wife can't communicate with him in a language he understands?


But still, I continue to hope, as hard as it is. I cannot give up.


"My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness."

I have fallen in love...

...with the smallest house. A few year ago this house was for rent, but we already had an apartment and a contract with that apartment. And the house was being remodeled so we didn't look at it.

Blue and I like apartment living. We love the freedom and lack of responsibility (should something break or the sewer back-up or such).

but...

every now and then we look online for houses for sale, just for fun. 

So I was looking on craigslist, and I found this little house. The one that was for sale a few years back. I clicked on the link to go to cbbain.com to get more info and...

It's 690 sq ft! 2 bedroom/1 bath. But 690?!? That's like 400 sq ft less than our apartment right now!

Here's the thing.

It is across the street, behind my parents house.

The only thing standing in the way of Baby going to see her grandparents is a dirt road and a small yard. My parents would need to put a gate in the back fence, that is all. 

Blue and I have always talked about living a minimalistic life. Less stuff=less clutter! Love it!

Plus, this summer, while Baby was visiting, I realized... She never plays in her room alone. We have acquired all of this stuff that she doesn't even look at. What does she play with, you may ask... Craft stuff... but only if Blue or I craft with her.

Well, there are two things she takes places.

1. Fleenor Bear: a Teddy bear Blue and I got for Baby at build-a-bear right before we moved out to WA from IN. It has recordings in each hand. One from me and one from Blue. Fleenor Bear travels with her. He always goes with her. He gets packed in her carry on when she flies between houses. He is the always consistent. She may not play with him all the time, but he is always on her bed, wherever that may be.

2. A water baby: We got one for her when she was really little and recently on a trip to Colville, she lost it on the beach. She was devastated. So for her birthday last year her Uncle Ben and Aunt Selina got her a new one. She swims with it, bathes with it, sleeps with it, takes it to the store, everything. All the things she did with her last one.  The only difference is that this one doesn't have a swim suit, so it runs around naked often.

Baby doesn't need as much space in a room as I had originally thought. A small house would be okay.

So. I don't even know if we would get pre-approved for a home loan.  A few years ago we paid off everything that we owed except the 401K loan. Little did I know that my amazing credit score would go down for paying it all off... such a stupid thing... you pay your debts and your credit score goes down. Lame. And Blue doesn't have any credit.

And we don't have a down payment to help the situation...

But, I want the house. We would have to give up tons of stuff... That makes me so excited!

Our church has a yard sale this weekend. I just loaded up our truck. I have so much more to purge, but it feels amazing!

So here's the house that I like so much. It's not tons to look at, but it has the small cottage feel that I have always loved.

And if you want to  see more pics you can click on here.

But first, before we do anything, we are going to pray about whether we are even supposed to pursue it. I don't want to make a move or decision without God's hand on it.

Will you pray with us?

Please ask for God's guidance.

Thank you.

(Isn't it so cute?!?)

I am a little surprised...

Well actually a lot surprised. 

I had a preconceived notion of who Justin Bieber is. I though that I didn't like Justin Bieber at all, but through random clicks in youtube, I found his music video "Pray"... Nice song, but what changed my opinion of him is found during the last seconds of the video. Watch it and you'll see what I mean. 

 I was impressed. 

Oh and you'll have to scroll down to the bottom to turn off the music player so it doesn't interfere.

Ok I'm making an attempt at emailing my post... We'll see how it works. :)

Well here goes...

I can't believe it was so traumatic to become plain. Other than the pain and the blood, the emotional side was just that, emotional...

A Change of Diet...

Not exactly what you are thinking... Let me explain.

Our dog, Hurley, has very sensitive skin. Very sensitive skin. When we rescued him, he was super itchy, his skin was always really dry and flaky. We told the dog groomer that his skin was sensitive... a few hours after he got home his skin was red and he was already chewing holes in his coat. After that we decided to wash him with Dawn. My thinking was, "If it's gentle enough to use on birds in oil spills, then it should be good for Hurley!"
Well it was a little better for while then he started scratching like he used to, so I thought that maybe he had gotten fleas. I got some flea medication and put it where the box indicated, then I went to bed... by morning he had three bloody, half dollar sized holes in his fur. Not only did he not have fleas, but apparently he is allergic to the medication!

We were told that maybe he needed a better pet food. So we finished off the rest of the bag of super cheap bulk kibble that we had for him. then we went to an actual pet store to get a better brand of food for him. We decided on a chicken and rice formula; a middle ground between the crap food and the expensive food. The scratching subsided for a time, then it came back with a fiery. We finished off that bag and then decided to go with an expensive lamb and rice formula. His coat got shiny and he was even more full of energy! Whoa!

And what happened??? The same thing as everything else!!! AHHH!!! Are you kidding me?!? What do we do now? Hurley has patches of scabs on his back, he chews at everything on his body... The vet doesn't know what else to do. We've given him Benadryl, Sprayed anti itch on him. The Lavender Spray that we had been using stopped working.
We'll just deal with it.

Then one day one of my customers randomly tells me about her dogs that she has on a raw food diet. A diet called RMB (Raw Meaty Bones). Ewww! Ewww! Are you kidding me? disgusting!

Of course I had questions like- Don't they want to eat you now that they have tasted blood? What if you get a cut, will they attack you?
Is it expensive?
They eat the bones?
Aren't chicken bones bad for dogs?
Your cat eats the same diet?
Isn't it gross to hear them crunch the bones?
How much do you feed them?
Are you sure they don't look at you like you are a moving dinner?

You know... normal questions.

She had intrigued me. I went home and studied. I researched and scoured the internet for answers to my questions, but I didn't want an opinion, I wanted science.

And I found it.

A domestic dog's digestive tract is the same as a dog in the wild. Dogs in the wild hunt for their food and then eat it when caught.

They don't catch it and cook it,
de-bone and grind it up,
add a grain and press it into little kibble shaped food,
wait for it to dry.... and then eat it.

As easy as it is to feed your dog kibble, it is not good for your pooch. Most dogs are very allergic to grains. Their bodies don't digest it very well. Just take a look at your dog's poo. Almost all of it is the filler from the kibble.

Hurley is one of those dogs...

A month ago we made the switch.

At first it was gross. At first Hurley just licked it, not really knowing what to do with it. And after 30 minutes of trying to get Hurley to eat it we took it back and put it into the fridge for the next night.
The next night, there weren't any problems at all. We put the chicken thighs into his dish and it was like instinct kicked in.
He grabbed a thigh and shook it then started to use his teeth to rip it apart. Crunching though bones and actually chewing his food, he devoured his dinner. He didn't morph into a vacuum as he used to. He took time to eat correctly.

Here's the weird part... I was such a proud momma!
Almost like watching a baby take their first steps or ride down the street for the first time without training wheels.
I was excited for the nutrients he was getting, the exercise he was getting, the strengthening of his neck muscles, the cleaning of his teeth, the optimal usage of his food, and the promise of a less "dog" smelling dog!

We are a month in and Hurley is a champ. Faline our cat is also doing very well, she gets chicken and fish.
Hurley's scabs are healing, although the healing process is itchy, he is doing great. The area of scabs are getting smaller. And although his breath is still dogish, I can pet him and not have my hands smell like nasty dog. He drinks a lot less and poops a lot less because his body is using more of his food. He responds better to instruction, much better focused.

It was more traumatic in the beginning for me, then him, but I'd never go back.

I love my Raw Meaty Bone and Fruit & Veggie eating dog!

A pastor's Wife?!?

A year and a half ago. God called Blue into the Ministry... Meaning Blue was going to become a pastor in some capacity...
At first I was so nervous. I never said "no, I don't want you to do this" but I was very uncertain of what that might look like for our family. I've never wanted to be a pastor's wife. I thought I was safe by marrying Blue. He wasn't very religious, but he was honest about where he stood with his relationship with God. Which is a much better place to be than with the previous guy I thought I was supposed to marry; Believing that he was a great christian, but all the while treating people with disrespect, not being honorable, not standing up for relationships that were given to him by God... All around shady, but still declaring allegiance to God and the Ministries he was supposed to have... so confusing.

Anyway, when I fell in love with Blue, I was sure that I was going to live a normal life. Not traveling around speaking, or big events, or Aspen, CO...

Normal life stuff. Kids, house, work.

Then God calls Blue to go to Bible School. Oh no! I was safe! Not anymore... I would never tell my husband or God no. But I was praying that God would change my heart.

Over time my heart softened to the idea... well God changed it actually. I bent to his will, and actually got kinda excited...

Here's the point.

My husband delivered his first sermon today! I was so proud! It was like seeing the future. Granted he wants to start a Biker church and ours has more that a few members from a much older generation, but nevertheless!, It was amazing to see him up there, God using him and all...

So officially, it was my first trial run as a pastor's wife!


Shhhh, don't tell anyone....


But I loved it!

A shower of hope...

I let the water run down over my face, carefully breathing through the streams. As I stood there, underneath the steamy shower, the stresses and upsets of the day fell away and slid down the drain. The water penetrates further, relaxing a part of me that I had boarded up. The pain of the past week lessened.
The feelings of failure from the miscarriage melted away as I heard God say' "Here is the hope I have for you. I know that you have been hurting, feeling as if your promise would never come, but I love you. And through this pain, you will know that I love you. It is not my time for you to have a baby, but you needed hope. Know this, you can get pregnant. But now isn't the time."

I had thought that this was the hope from the beginning; that we finally got pregnant and then lost it, but there was hope in the fact that we got pregnant...

But here is the real hope!!! God knows the future, he holds my future in his hands, it has already been molded. And in my pain, I thought that the fact that we even got pregnant was the hope... But that is only a piece of it. God, knowing me, knowing the very core of who I am, opened my womb to get pregnant to let me know who he is. To let me know that he sees my pain and my desires for a baby, but to also show me that he is the one who sees time. He knows when it is the best time to have a child. So he took the baby from my womb, leaving a promise of a pregnacy at the right time.

They say that many things about us are hereditary. Your eye color, baldness, body shape, etc... My mom always says that the shower is where God communicates with her. Who knew that that was hereditary?!?

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Wow, His plans are definitely different then what I ever anticipate... and always better!

Keep the faith,
Alethea

I can only post a title from my cell... Lame!