Hope...

Is difficult.
God says He has plans for a future and a HOPE for us.
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
All throughout the Bible are stories of hope. 
-Where not to place hope.
-People crying out for hope.
-Nations depending on hope.
-All mankind hoping for a savior.


There is so much hope wrapped up in babies, having them, keeping them, raising them.

Almost 2 weeks ago I got sick. Every time I ate, I would get really nauseous. I was having a little discomfort in the lower abdomen. I never had a fever. Everyone assumed that I was pregnant. I just felt sick. (and secretly hoped that I was wrong.) But it was still before my period,  so I couldn't take a test. 


Today, 3 days past the projected period start date. Negative.
I get so upset with myself for hoping so deeply for something. It would have been perfect. Christmas is 4 months away and that would be plenty of time for the 3 month safety window to pass. I could do a Christmas gift from the baby at Christmas like I'd always wanted to do.
I'd get carried away in all of my hope and dreams...

And wake up to remember that we would only be 2 months away right now. And as much as I try not to think about it... The closer it gets, the harder it is.

God has given me a great hope, a wonderful expectation of what will become.
Why can't I just rest in that? Why can't I just push all these feelings aside, bury them deep inside myself, and only let the pleasant show?


Disclaimer: Very personal info below the line. Read at own discretion!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Part of what hurts the most is that every time I have a miscarriage, my sex drive plummets. 
All I an think of is that sex is to make babies, and I can't make babies. I used to orgasm, now I don't most of the time.  I have to use a vibrator and even then, most of the time it doesn't work. On top of it all, every time we do have sex, it's just that. Sex. And I feel guilty right afterwards. Like I've done something wrong, disgraceful.


We used to have a great sex life. I used to orgasm without a vibrator. I used to enjoy sex, making love, making out. 
And it has nothing to do with Blue. I love him so much. To think of my life without him brings tears instantly, every time. 


My poor, gracious husband has gone 2 months before without sex of any kind. He is patient. I want to want sex. For him. For me. For future children.


But I don't like it. I don't like the pressure. I don't like the little touches he gives to let me know he's in the mood. I know you are in the mood, you always are. I hate that I get angry with him, because my fear is, that he wants all touch to lead to sex. I want to cuddle without it meaning anything. I miss the tension of dating. I had longing and desire then. 
I miss the passion of newly wedded bliss. The 8 hours love making sessions instead of sleeping. The stolen moments for quickies. The moments of tearing each others clothing off. Back scratching, screaming, sweating all over the place kind of love making.
Enjoying oral sex, even waking him up with it in the morning.  
He was a lucky man back then.


All gone away to calculated movements. Moments of intimacy lost.


At times, about once every few months, during some random act of grace from God, I actually get turned on! And I take it as my chance to repay Blue for all his patience. I pursue him. It leads to great sex, usually an orgasm and followed by a boatload of guilt. Then for the next few weeks Blue tries to reduce what happened to a formula, thinking it was something he did. Not believing me that it was just a fluke hormone burst. And I get angry because I can't give him what he wants.


I love him so much. Why won't my mind and body do what I want it to?!? He deserves to feel special and loved and needed in a way that he speaks love. How long can he last in a world where his wife can't communicate with him in a language he understands?


But still, I continue to hope, as hard as it is. I cannot give up.


"My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness."

I have fallen in love...

...with the smallest house. A few year ago this house was for rent, but we already had an apartment and a contract with that apartment. And the house was being remodeled so we didn't look at it.

Blue and I like apartment living. We love the freedom and lack of responsibility (should something break or the sewer back-up or such).

but...

every now and then we look online for houses for sale, just for fun. 

So I was looking on craigslist, and I found this little house. The one that was for sale a few years back. I clicked on the link to go to cbbain.com to get more info and...

It's 690 sq ft! 2 bedroom/1 bath. But 690?!? That's like 400 sq ft less than our apartment right now!

Here's the thing.

It is across the street, behind my parents house.

The only thing standing in the way of Baby going to see her grandparents is a dirt road and a small yard. My parents would need to put a gate in the back fence, that is all. 

Blue and I have always talked about living a minimalistic life. Less stuff=less clutter! Love it!

Plus, this summer, while Baby was visiting, I realized... She never plays in her room alone. We have acquired all of this stuff that she doesn't even look at. What does she play with, you may ask... Craft stuff... but only if Blue or I craft with her.

Well, there are two things she takes places.

1. Fleenor Bear: a Teddy bear Blue and I got for Baby at build-a-bear right before we moved out to WA from IN. It has recordings in each hand. One from me and one from Blue. Fleenor Bear travels with her. He always goes with her. He gets packed in her carry on when she flies between houses. He is the always consistent. She may not play with him all the time, but he is always on her bed, wherever that may be.

2. A water baby: We got one for her when she was really little and recently on a trip to Colville, she lost it on the beach. She was devastated. So for her birthday last year her Uncle Ben and Aunt Selina got her a new one. She swims with it, bathes with it, sleeps with it, takes it to the store, everything. All the things she did with her last one.  The only difference is that this one doesn't have a swim suit, so it runs around naked often.

Baby doesn't need as much space in a room as I had originally thought. A small house would be okay.

So. I don't even know if we would get pre-approved for a home loan.  A few years ago we paid off everything that we owed except the 401K loan. Little did I know that my amazing credit score would go down for paying it all off... such a stupid thing... you pay your debts and your credit score goes down. Lame. And Blue doesn't have any credit.

And we don't have a down payment to help the situation...

But, I want the house. We would have to give up tons of stuff... That makes me so excited!

Our church has a yard sale this weekend. I just loaded up our truck. I have so much more to purge, but it feels amazing!

So here's the house that I like so much. It's not tons to look at, but it has the small cottage feel that I have always loved.

And if you want to  see more pics you can click on here.

But first, before we do anything, we are going to pray about whether we are even supposed to pursue it. I don't want to make a move or decision without God's hand on it.

Will you pray with us?

Please ask for God's guidance.

Thank you.

(Isn't it so cute?!?)

I am a little surprised...

Well actually a lot surprised. 

I had a preconceived notion of who Justin Bieber is. I though that I didn't like Justin Bieber at all, but through random clicks in youtube, I found his music video "Pray"... Nice song, but what changed my opinion of him is found during the last seconds of the video. Watch it and you'll see what I mean. 

 I was impressed. 

Oh and you'll have to scroll down to the bottom to turn off the music player so it doesn't interfere.