Hope...

Is difficult.
God says He has plans for a future and a HOPE for us.
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
All throughout the Bible are stories of hope. 
-Where not to place hope.
-People crying out for hope.
-Nations depending on hope.
-All mankind hoping for a savior.


There is so much hope wrapped up in babies, having them, keeping them, raising them.

Almost 2 weeks ago I got sick. Every time I ate, I would get really nauseous. I was having a little discomfort in the lower abdomen. I never had a fever. Everyone assumed that I was pregnant. I just felt sick. (and secretly hoped that I was wrong.) But it was still before my period,  so I couldn't take a test. 


Today, 3 days past the projected period start date. Negative.
I get so upset with myself for hoping so deeply for something. It would have been perfect. Christmas is 4 months away and that would be plenty of time for the 3 month safety window to pass. I could do a Christmas gift from the baby at Christmas like I'd always wanted to do.
I'd get carried away in all of my hope and dreams...

And wake up to remember that we would only be 2 months away right now. And as much as I try not to think about it... The closer it gets, the harder it is.

God has given me a great hope, a wonderful expectation of what will become.
Why can't I just rest in that? Why can't I just push all these feelings aside, bury them deep inside myself, and only let the pleasant show?


Disclaimer: Very personal info below the line. Read at own discretion!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Part of what hurts the most is that every time I have a miscarriage, my sex drive plummets. 
All I an think of is that sex is to make babies, and I can't make babies. I used to orgasm, now I don't most of the time.  I have to use a vibrator and even then, most of the time it doesn't work. On top of it all, every time we do have sex, it's just that. Sex. And I feel guilty right afterwards. Like I've done something wrong, disgraceful.


We used to have a great sex life. I used to orgasm without a vibrator. I used to enjoy sex, making love, making out. 
And it has nothing to do with Blue. I love him so much. To think of my life without him brings tears instantly, every time. 


My poor, gracious husband has gone 2 months before without sex of any kind. He is patient. I want to want sex. For him. For me. For future children.


But I don't like it. I don't like the pressure. I don't like the little touches he gives to let me know he's in the mood. I know you are in the mood, you always are. I hate that I get angry with him, because my fear is, that he wants all touch to lead to sex. I want to cuddle without it meaning anything. I miss the tension of dating. I had longing and desire then. 
I miss the passion of newly wedded bliss. The 8 hours love making sessions instead of sleeping. The stolen moments for quickies. The moments of tearing each others clothing off. Back scratching, screaming, sweating all over the place kind of love making.
Enjoying oral sex, even waking him up with it in the morning.  
He was a lucky man back then.


All gone away to calculated movements. Moments of intimacy lost.


At times, about once every few months, during some random act of grace from God, I actually get turned on! And I take it as my chance to repay Blue for all his patience. I pursue him. It leads to great sex, usually an orgasm and followed by a boatload of guilt. Then for the next few weeks Blue tries to reduce what happened to a formula, thinking it was something he did. Not believing me that it was just a fluke hormone burst. And I get angry because I can't give him what he wants.


I love him so much. Why won't my mind and body do what I want it to?!? He deserves to feel special and loved and needed in a way that he speaks love. How long can he last in a world where his wife can't communicate with him in a language he understands?


But still, I continue to hope, as hard as it is. I cannot give up.


"My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness."